Leave Them Better Than You Found Them
Perhaps it was Ross Jeffries, the great pickup sage of old, who coined this phrase. It's a good maxim for life, based on the old Golden Rule. But it's ESSENTIAL if you are going to get into the pickup lifestyle.
I know many are here just looking for ways to have less handicaps with women, so they can get a nice girlfriend, wife, or maybe try out some fun adventures just so they can say they did it and have no regrets when they are older. Those people will find what they came for.
Some guys, however, want to be able to have many women and live a high-rotation lifestyle with a lot of sex with a lot of hot women. There are two ways to do this, based on my previous post.
1) Be Mr. Pimp - a guy who uses women and learns how to get them to put out fast and has no regard for them later. If you go down this path you may get many, many women under your belt, but you'll be damaging them and yourself in the process. Guys with sincere hearts soon figure out that something is wrong with this lifestyle and end it, believing they aren't cut out for this "pickup" stuff.
2) A guy who has the same skills and understandings as Mr. Pimp, but instead uses them out of the pure desire to give women pleasure and happiness. He may and probably will lay chicks as fast as possible, since this is the surest way to avoid them running away before they can experience what he has to offer, but he takes responsibility for always leaving chicks better than he found them. This is the harder road at first, but down the line it's the only one that can really be maintained without becoming, frankly, an asshole and a chronic user. Keep in mind that this type of guy may also have very high numbers of women, such as 20-30 per year, although maybe not quite as high as Mr. Pimp because Mr. Pimp will have one-night-stands and get into girls he only has interest in for a single night. But I would think a hot new women every two weeks is enough for just about anyone who is really taking proper care of his women and seeing them a decent number of times before letting things fade out.
Most guys assume the pickup lifestyle is about #1 above, but it's only that way if you choose it to be. I've met some guys in Japan who have had many hot women, but they are lively primarily under the Mr. Pimp frame, and hence they feel deep down they are just wasting their time in life and they'll show really depraved attitudes about women at certain times. They also tend to attract low-self-esteem girls.
The reason I've been able to keep this lifestyle up for 6 years and not get burnt out or bitter is because I have (mostly) stuck to option #2.
Are you saying, "So what? That's the least of my problems. First I just want chicks to put out for me and stop screwing ME over." Well, this is the most relevant thing for you still. It's what underpins all that we've talked about.
If you are an evil bastard already, you can continue that way and get lots of chicks and use them and such, and if that is your definition of success, you'll do fine.
The problem is, I think most of my readers are not evil bastards. They are good people who want to make one or more wonderful women very happy. This is their core personality. If they go against this and try to be Mr Evil-Pimp, they will always stall out in the end, usually before they can taste any real "success" at all. Ironically, many techniques are the same whether you want to be good or evil, at least on the surface. But your basic personality underpinning all that is where the strength of these methods really comes from. If you are a good person, you will only have real success if you can work out in your mind WHY you want to have this lifestyle and why that would be a good thing for you AND for all those you come in contact with. Do not sweep this part under the rug. Think carefully, for as long as it takes to determine how or even if it would be a truly good thing for you to pursue. If you aren't 100% certain that you would increase the happiness in the world by beginning this lifestyle, DON'T.
I still think people look at me, whether on this blog or in real life when I am "on the pull" and think, "That guy must have a flippant attitude about women, and couldn't really be making them happy in the long run." Many girls think this especially, until I explain it to them. That has led to us having sex more than a few times! The reason is that I fully believe in what I'm doing and have 100% committment to it. That is what allows me or anyone else to have sex with many women without burning out and having to sour search all the time. I love what I do, because I love women and they love what I do for them.
And guess what? It's not always smooth sailing. I've made some mistakes and on occasion failed to leave them better than I found them. In these cases I always do my very best to follow up and remedy the situation. If it's a girl I layed once and there were just no sparks flying at all, I will still see her at least once more just to give her that respect of not doing a one-night-stand. If I ever ended on bad terms with a girl (VERY rare, but it happens), I will keep checking on her and making sure she recovered OK, and if not I will talk to her and meet her and make every good faith effort to set her back to normal, for as long as it takes. The reason this rarely happens is I am very careful how I manage relationships so as not to create painful break-ups in the first place.
Why go to these lengths? Just so I can feel like a good person at the end of the day? Not just that. These things, however unrelated they seem, are what keep me going strong year after year. Think about it: whenever I approach a girl I don't just have to pretend she is better off with me than with any other guy she is likely to find, I KNOW it. I know she is going to come out of whatever interaction we have better than how she came in, and quite possibly a whole lot more sexually satisfied than she ever has been before, and knowing that gives me my confidence and my congruence.
If aren't sure why you're in this, you should not be in it. I have said this lifestyle is not for the lazy. It is also not for those who refuse to understand their own motivations. It is not for those who don't have a definite positive purpose in the world in taking this lifestyle up. Think, friends. Take a sincere look inside yourself and sort out these issues within your own mind. Just like with overcoming last-minute resistance, if you don't have your position fully figured out and fully justified as being right, acceptable and good for you, for her and for the world, none of this will work and you'll go around in circles always looking for more and better techniques. Conviction that you are right and doing good will make approaching a formality, girls will open automatically, you can use all techniques will full confidence and congruence, and you can lead with certainty all the way to sex and into whatever relationship
you wish to pursue.
And all this without learning any new techniques, just by looking at yourself and deciding 100% where you stand and why.
12/09/2007, 13:03
Awesome post AJ! Me and a buddy were talking about exactly this today because he is still stuck in Mr. Pimp-land, but doesn't realize there is another choice.
Also, anyone who doesn't believe you care about the girls only need to talk to your ex's!
12/09/2007, 19:14
Hi AJ,
Great post once again! Looking at your post, would I be correct to say that this would work not just for Japanese girls but other girls as well?
But I'm also just curious to know as well, how do you tell them that you're just into this relationship to have good sex and passion with them for a certain period of time. What is the story, excuse and words that you use to convey that you just want to have wonderful, hot sex with them for a period of time? I think that some of us may be thinking how to convey this idea to the girl and still get them to be agreeable to it.
Thanks!
15/09/2007, 20:29
Hey TS,
I accidentally left comments on and actually got something nice rather than trolls - cool! I'll probably turn comments off again soon, but while they're up I may as well write something of my own. Been so busy and all this writing is such a time sink for me that I eternally slack off work, hence recent silence to keep my boss happy. I'm gonna run with this comment to make a more detailed addendum to my original post.
Most guys are stuck in Mr. Pimp or are trying to be there. My thought when I started was, "I suck with women, and that is so ironic because all I really want to do (uh, besides seeing their wet pussies and such) is make great women happy. If this life change somehow makes me better with women and I start getting tons of chicks, I'm determined to use my new-found powers responsibly, to improve and make people happy."
They say "power corrupts." It's very true, but in the sense that "power very strongly tends to corrupt." It's not an irresistible temptation. When I am very disciplined, I use what I've learned very carefully and make sure it only comes out in positive ways. There have been times when I've been less disciplined, resulting in some negative outcomes for me and others. It's pretty easy to see my ups and downs over the past few years if I look in terms of self-discipline.
What I end up doing when my self-discipline is low is to revert back to getting normal girlfriend-type relationships where I focus on one or two main girls and make sure all their needs are met (while still seeing others). This means I will tell them my feelings verbally, will take them out, take them on vacation, etc. I can make girls very happy this way, too. But it's not what gives me the most fulfillment. I currently still enjoy the purity of the "Sex friends who are madly in love with each other but will never let each other know and will only express it through kissing and making love" (or SFWAMILWEOBWNLEOKAWOEITKAMLR for short ;) relationship far more than the societally-sanctioned boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I actually feel way more "in love" with girls who I am in a SFWAMILWEOBWNLEOKAWOEITKAMLR with than with any girl who has been my girlfriend, and the feelings I get from their side are way stronger, too.
They are stronger for three reasons:
1) Unexpressed feelings simmering under the surface just build and build. Ever notice how the moment right after you say, "I love you" to a girl, you suddenly feel it LESS? You feel it most right as you're about to say it but haven't fully made the decision to say it yet.
2) Even bigger reason: since there is no relationship or empty promises being thrown about, you are both safe feeling 100% of your true feelings for each other, knowing that you are only expressing them in an honest and natural way. If you've ever taken a great sex friend and tried to turn it into a relationship, you may have noticed that the passion died down at that point.
3) Women either look for security or excitement. They don't tend to look for both in one place. Notice that one of these is fear-based and one is passion-based. Needless to say, you do not want to be dealing with fear-based emotions at all. You want the passion-based ones only, and these are mutually exclusive anyway.
Mine is a very strange situation, however. My general protocol is to meet girls I'm seeing for only 3-4 hours, most of which is sex and related activities. I'm not generally giving chicks romance at all.
For example, here's me with a girl I really like:
I'm making love to her, feeling totally in love with her, but I carefully avoid letting her know through words and I don't wallow in the feeling of it. I never say "I like you" or "I love you" (Suki/Daisuki - these are forbidden words). This may seems paradoxical, but I've found that using these words is what sets up womens' expectations for a fall. They will always eventually - after hearing these words - find the situation too uncomfortable, as their emotions get drawn into it yet they know I'm not going to be exclusive to them. I've found it's much better to rein in the EXPRESSION of those feelings, and simply let them exist in mysterious fringes at the edges of your interactions. Then you get all the benefits with none of the pain and dashed expectations. Either that, or if you find a girl you are totally into, commit to seeing her enough to support a relationship. I've done this a few times, and things get sticky because they know intuitively I'm seeing others, but their needs are met so it works.
So it's true, I actually like taking girls out for dinner and hanging out, but I consider it a loss if I end up doing that. It sets up romantic expectations that destabilize the relationship eventually. The sex also gets worse in a way, as they have more invested in your opinion of them.
Some might be asking, "What happens inside a girl's head when all you will give her is sex - pure, passionate sex and pleasure?" Provided the sex is good, she gets more and more attracted as all her associations to you become sexual. This means that whenever she gets nears you, hears your voice, or thinks about you, her first response is to get horny. And conveniently, whenever she gets horny, her first thoughts are probably going to be of you.
If you were to mix this with romance and showering her with "Daisuki"s, it would make just about any girl extremely uncomfortable as her emotions get hijacked and swished around every which way. I strongly recommend keeping things clean, either all sex or full commitment (not necessarily to true exclusivity, but simply to making the necessary sacrifices to see to her whenever she needs in order to maintain a healthy and happy romance).
I've seen what happens in both cases many, many times. Sometimes I am so taken with a girl I have to really stop myself from tell her directly, but I'm always glad I did stop myself and I always regret it when I do tell her - immediately after AND later on, when she either leaves and gives me an ultimatum.
In summary, girls love to play, but only when they are sure their emotional liability is limited. That's precisely when they will let loose the most.
Note: the above is true save one exception. A large number of girls simply have such a strong need for security that they are incapable of being in a healthy SFWAMILWEOBWNLEOKAWOEITKAMLR (how about SFWAMIL for short?). Probably this is MOST girls! This is because the majority of girls in the world are LSE. It's a tough world out there, parents aren't always good, bad stuff happens, and people have a tough time figuring out how to get along in the world, and they pick up some scars. If you try to have an SFWAMIL with an LSE (low self-esteem) girl, she'll usually still engage in it with you, but the sex could actually be better if you choose to give her that extra security of making her your girlfriend, because then she will feel ready to open up to you emotionally (to a degree...she'll never fully open up until you cure her LSE, which is possible but a considerable task!). The reason this is just a footnote to my comment and not the actual comment is that, of course, you really don't want to be making an LSE girl your girlfriend. I've done this before and always regretted it. You want to be HSE (high self-esteem) as this will make all of life much easier and better, and having someone so close to you that is LSE will make this all but impossible. No one is perfect, but surrounding yourself with high self-esteem people with healthy personalities is the way to stay that way yourself, and that will help you in the pickup lifestyle just as much as any part of life.
(Above comments are not directly for TS, just some general principles for everyone.)
Roguey,
Sure, this is a universal concept, just like self-esteem is universal.
I never tell them I'm in it just for a period of time, because often what will happen is I will basically fall in love with girls I am with - in a non-needy kind of way - and in theory we could end up having a romantic relationship or even getting married. Or we could just be sex friends for five years (I still have girls I see once a year or less!). I also don't express verbally what my agenda is, because it brings up needless logical objections and societal programming from them. Basically, I don't talk about anything.
I know some are thinking, "So you just trick them into it?" No, I'm very careful not to give them ANY impression whatsoever, besides that I, at least, am passionate for them NOW. I discourage open communication, in fact, simply because it causes the logic and societal stuff to come out. After the relationship is well-established as sexual and she's hooked on the good feelings and found a way to justify it to herself, the communication restriction can be relaxed a little.
Some must be saying, "OK, Amanojack, this still sounds bad! You are stifling communication?!" Let me lead by example:
I meet a girl, we decide to get together again, we meet near my place, and I whirlwind her to sex (I'm definitely not letting much talking happen as the sex nears). She is surprised but it was good, and she decides to see me again...at my station. I walk her back to my place wordlessly and she is wondering what is up, and then the moment we are in the entrance way it's up against the wall and passionate makeout, whirlwind to sex again. Then again. Hopefully it's the best sex she ever had - most guys don't make much effort so if you really make a committed effort this should come to be something you EXPECT. No time for talking because you are ignoring all words anyway, keeping the pace passionately frenetic (or slow-but-passionately-focused). So she is not going to be able to bring up any "What are we? Am I your girlfriend?" and whatnot. The atmosphere you've created by focusing on passion and not talking aimlessly yourself is one where she doesn't feel proper busting in with some random talk, or some relationship-type stuff. You are totally leading, and she is following. She can tell herself she is waiting, but by the second or third time the pattern has been established and as long as she doesn't feel her emotions are being toyed with, she's not going to want to risk the good thing she has by trying to get you to be exclusive.
If she says anything like that, your best, strongest first line of defense is simply to ignore it and continue eating her out or wrestling her or whatever you are doing (see? no time to talk anyway!). Next thing you can do if she presses is to say "Saaa." Read this whole comment to understand why she is generally not going to press you much, which allows you to get away with this.
A few girls are determined to get a boyfriend. You can usually overcome that determination if the sex is good enough and you are careful enough with her emotions (by not giving off romantic vibes and especially not words). She will be able to tell herself she is just enjoying herself while she looks for a boyfriend. In any case, the 1-or-2-or-3 lay pattern is pretty hard to break, no matter what her agenda. One lay is usually enough, but it could be written off as a fluke, so 2 is enough 95% of the time. 3 makes it very solid, especially if it's three times doing nothing else.
So basically, to answer your Q succinctly, I rarely tell them, as very few women are ready to accept this logically. I simply make things work out that way by controlling logistics and the flow of interaction very tightly to set the right precedents. Lay her fast, lay her again fast. If necessary, lay her a third time fast. Better lay her WELL. No romantic words, hints or implications. No verbalizing ANYTHING! When you contact for the meet, just say, "Let's meet." You don't make small talk, unless it is VERY small talk, like about the weather or something utterly mundane.
Now of course it often doesn't work out this way, even if you lay her fast once. She may be feeling some residual ASD (anti-slut defense) from that first lay, still wanting to prove that although she did do that before that's not what you should be expecting of her, because she's a "proper lady" and that was "just a fluke." So when you say, "Let's meet Wednesday at 7" at your station, she says, "But what are we going to DO?"
Now the first answer is that if you control the atmosphere right in the initial lay to curb her ASD and not set the precedent of talking or of romance. If you don't boast about your amazing car, job, wallet, and you don't have a nice house and wouldn't make a good husband or boyfriend, you have less likelihood of raising this objection. The more she likes you for any other reason than because you make her horny and give it to her like she likes it, the greater risk that "But what are we going to DO?" and related queries will come up.
Now, though, suppose it does come up. If you feel she's not going to meet you again unless you can get past that ASD, then you make have to make some kind of concession. Best is if you put of answering that part until the day before (by not replying too quickly to her mails - another benefit to the closed communication atmosphere), and then you can say something like, "I have a stiff neck from my new pillow. Can you massage it for me?" Or whatever. The point is that you don't want to give in by promising a legitimate "dating" type activity, as this could substantially shorten the viable lifetime of the SFWAMIL relationship. You don't have to promise anything like that, usually. Usually she will settle for something to simply give her an excuse to herself and to you that she did not intend to have sex with you and she did not go to your house with that purpose.
But AGAIN, you can see why closed communication benefits everyone involved. The more communication lines are freely open, the more she is going to have to scramble to avoid looking like a slut, and the smoother you are going to have to be. You make it way easier on yourself by creating an atmosphere of not talking about things, mostly by not setting that precedent yourself and not allowing dead time in the interaction. Keeping her distracted with sex or with endless random illogical chatter while you are in public also helps a lot. Hopefully you won't be in public much.
A few more things help explain why this works. One thing is the Cialdinian Consistency Principle, which I've covered many times. Recently I've seem this principle being referred to as simple "compliance." Once again, it says that anything a person does that breaks from their personal identity and beliefs about themselves will later be backward rationalized as having been correct, for some reason. For example, taking it to the extreme for illustration purposes: a girl gets a day off work and travels 5 hours by train, spending a months' salary to visit you, comes all the way to your house, and 5 seconds after she comes in you two go crazy making wild passionate love, the sex is fantastic, and she does 5 sexual things she's never allowed any man to do with her before, simply because she is so horny or because of your skill in getting her to do those things. After a three-hour mind-blowing sex session, you tell her you'd love to be with her longer but you have to go to work in 20 minutes, so she leaves and goes all the way back home.
All these things break with her conditioning, so you can bet dollars to donuts that this girl is going to look back on that experience and decide it was right and justified. Therefore, you can easily guess how she will change as a person accommodate this new reality within her. Generally she will become even more deeply attracted and be more likely to come again and do the same or more.
Going back to more mundane situations, the lesson here is that the more you demand from her - AND she complies with - the more she is going to justify that you were right to demand it and she was right to comply, because, essentially in her eyes, you are a great man.
So demand a lot and get a lot. You need to demand a lot in order to get past all the societal bullshit that haunts most people's minds. But with this, have the self-discipline not to abuse this power. You could easily just call her up when you are horny, have her come suck you off and send her packing. That is what I want to warn against - it's bad for inner game. Fine to call her when horny, and she will show up at your door, ready to do whatever you want, but why not utilize that freedom to give her the time of her life? Your urges will certainly be taken care of in the process.
Any unclear points in there or "what if"s? I can't really explain all of anything without a little focus, so feel free to comment, object, question, etc.
15/09/2007, 22:17
I've been on the other end of this with a girl who was madly in love with this one guy, but he would never take her out, so she would go out with me for the "dating experience" but I never would get any action from her. She complained about him, but it was obvious she would only get hot for him. Like he would call mid-date, and she would openly tell him she was out on a date, and he would ask if she wants to come meet and she would just disappear. Totally at his beck-and-call.
One time he even told her to try sex with me, and she passed this info on to me and I was ecstatic, thinking HERE'S MY CHANCE! But, ummm, no... In concept it seemed like a good idea to her, but the moment I tried got too close to her, she just flipped out and left soon after, probably over to see HIM. I'm glad that chapter in my life is over, but I've always wanted to be that guy - the one who so totally satisfies a woman sexually that she would even find another boyfriend just for dating but no sex or anything. Sheesh!